she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
