i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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