i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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