I'm really into asian looking animals
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
