Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
