I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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