if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
