So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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