I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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