i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
