I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
