He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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