Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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