if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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