the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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