I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We were destined to go to rehab together
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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