so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
