this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
