Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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