He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
