I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
