Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
