she woke up with a sticky ear
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
