While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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