bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
