Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
