At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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