i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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