How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you win again, gameday.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He? As in you personified your dick?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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