when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
