the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
time to smoke my breakfast
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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