weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
