apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
