I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
