i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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