dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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