while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
