i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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