My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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