Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
