Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was like giving head to a cactus.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
