Pants 0. Shit 1.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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