So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
