You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
