He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
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Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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