I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
