So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
