I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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