Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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