we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
