so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
