My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
