I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
