I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
