O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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