Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
