Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
