you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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