Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
