My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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