I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
